A person I’ve known for almost thirty years is dying. In recent years we had drifted, but she is my ex’s sister so I’ve kept up with her. When I think of Marie she is 20 in a bikini on a beach in Miami throwing her head back laughing. Today her kidneys and liver are failing and there is not much that can be done. She was just 50 but looks about 70. Her daughter will graduate from college next year. She is the same age as her mother when I first met her. Marie worked like a dog all of her life, never stopped to care for herself or ask what she might need. It was always about her family. Everyone loves her, but her. Is that why she got sick? Who knows? It is why is it wasn’t caught earlier, that I do know. For me, this is part of the wake-up call I’ve been hearing for the last few years.
I have always been pretty healthy but never took great care with myself. I’ve had serious back problems including several herniated discs and a nasty compression fracture in my back, which kept me from exercising and resulted in some extra weight at times, but I’ve always been fairly thin. Therefore I could easily make the case for that bacon cheeseburger, chocolate cake or an extra martini. I didn’t really gain weight, so why not?
The problem, I realized, is that I didn’t ever feel 100% healthy. Not my best self. So, over the course of the last 10-15 years I have attempted various programs to lose a few pounds and feel healthier but they always left me feeling deprived. Then I’d reward myself with a doughnut because, after all, didn’t I deserve that?
Actually, I now see that if I loved myself I didn’t deserve a doughnut; I deserved a green juice or an organic apple. I think it took several friends and even more acquaintances struck with some illness or death for me to see that if I did an hour of Pilates or ran a couple of miles I’d be giving myself exactly what I deserved. It is a gift to be able to be active and to be able to choose healthy foods. The change has become a lifestyle and not a diet.
I’m so very grateful that something switched in me and made me see how precious my health was. Was I waiting to get sick? Did I really need to hit over the head with it by watching other people I care for fall ill? I think it took me really loving myself from the inside out to get to the point that with everything I do, I carefully consider the effect on my body and health. Did I get enough exercise? Was my diet complete and healthy today? Have I managed my stress effectively? Did I allow for time to sit quietly and write or just think? Have I counted my blessings which include the ability to get up tomorrow and do it all again? The answer is increasingly yes, no compromising.
Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.
Janis Joplin
